“Phone Etiquette” How to Book a Sensual Massage like a Proper Gentleman
Do you know the 8 Rules for Booking a Sensual Massage? You would think most men would know how to pick up the phone and politely book a FBSM appointment as he would with his doctor or therapist. Professionally. But for some reason in the Erotic Arts world some guys take this simple phone call as an opportunity to be slimy creeps on the tele and ask inappropriate questions. Watch the video and learn.
A perfect client would say something like this:
“Hi Scarlet, this is John Jones, MD, from Jones and Associates here in Hollywood. I saw you ad on this weeks listing of LA Weekly. I’d like to book a two hour tantra massage session tomorrow at 2pm, or whenever is convenient for your schedule. Here is my LinkedIn profile along with a name and phone number of a local provider who can vouch for me. Also, here is my Redbook handle. I am looking forward to (quote my ad text verbatim) and giving you a raving five star review after our session. Do you like wine and roses? Just checking to see if it is appropriate to bring you a gift. Thank you so much for your time.”
A fantasy, really.
Unfortunately, most calls go like this:
Him: (heavy breathing….) “Uh, hi. Who’s this.”
Me: “You called me, sir.”
Him: “Uh, yeah. I’m calling about the ad.”
Me: “Wonderful. Where did you see it listed?”
Him: “Uh, on the internet. Your photo is really hot.” (his breathing gets heavier)
Me: “Are you calling to book a session?”
Him: “Can I come right now?” (grunting, probably choking the chicken)
Me: “What is your name, sir?”
Me: “And what type of session are you interested in, Bob?”
Him: “Uhhhh, I dunno. Can you tell me what you do?”
It goes on like this for ten minutes. No guarantee that he will actually book. Or show up. He obviously did not read the advertisement or he wouldn’t ask the loaded question: “What do you do?”
If I can get past the “what do you do in session” and “how many releases do I get” and “do you do extras” and “will you wear that sexy black lace thing I see (OMG I think I am about to come) in your photos” and “do you shave cause I like hairy girls” and “can you do fifteen minute massages” and “if I bring my toy will you fuck me in the ass” and all kinds of other bullshit I get on a daily basis and he actually BOOKS the session, verified, with a legitimate name, business URL and phone number, well, then we are in business.
Don’t get me wrong. There are some civilized gentlemen out there that know how to call a provider and book a session with her like any other massage therapist. They dot their “I’s” and cross their “T’s” and are very gentlemanly over the phone. These are my super star John’s. My knights in shining armor. These are the guys that wrote the book on “Phone Etiquette” for sensual massage and licked the edges to turn it gold.
The rules are pretty simple:
1. ALWAYS READ THE AD BEFORE YOU CALL.
Straight up, number one rule, that so many men miss, is READ THE F’N AD. Follow the links if she has them. Check out her reviews. Stop staring at her ass. Read the content! These girls put a lot of work into the copy. Remember her name when you call. If you really want to be charming, somehow slip some of the text from her ad into your conversation. “I look forward to receiving some of your ‘ravishing delights’ this evening, Miss Scarlet.” Like sugar sprinkled on top of the cherry, baby.
2. DO YOUR RESEARCH.
Most likely her ad is in code filled in with a bunch of gibberish poetic fluff that never gets to the point. Use your private investigator skills and dig deeper. Is it listed under “Escorts” or “Bodyrubs” or “Tantra” or “BDSM”? Does it say “No FS or mutual”? Any mention of “Prostate” or “Goddess Worship” or “FBSM ++”. Get on google and break the code. Know what you are getting into BEFORE you call.
3. DON’T ASK QUESTIONS.
Once you get on the phone all you do is politely BOOK THE SESSION. Don’t ask risque, crude, demanding or revealing questions. Due to legalities, if she is SMART, she won’t answer them. This is a good sign. Sure, ask her about the weather or if she had a good holiday, this is YOUR chance to vibe her out too, but never get too personal. Be professional, kind and sweet. Oh, and guess what, don’t ask her anything once you arrive at her place either. Just give her your biggest smile, slip those greenbacks onto her altar, and let her take the lead.
4. SCHEDULE IN ADVANCE.
What, you thought that if you called at 12:34am after getting out of the bar that she is waiting in her healing sanctuary, fully shaved and showered, dressed in lingerie and nibbling on strawberries waiting for your beckon call? Dakini’s have lives too, bro. I know the horny hits ya at a certain hour and you finally get the nerve to call her, but give her at least a few hours notice, buddy. Even better, a day. And for Christ’s sake, LEAVE A MESSAGE on her voicemail. Stop being a pussy. Book in advance.
Some girls will just go off your vibe on the phone (so be nice!). Others will ask for your full name and double check your ID when you arrive. Some require full on work verification, websites, LinkedIn and Facebook profiles along with photo ID, business card and DNA sample. Or she may ask for another provider’s name and number who can verify your good standing, although that may take days. Just say yes. It is HIGHLY unlikely that SHE is a cop OR will call your wife. TRUST. If you see her a second time, you will never have to go through the grilling screening process again.
6. NEVER BARGAIN.
80% of the time her price is listed on her ad. If you’ve read it over thrice and still don’t see a requested quantity, or “roses”, then you may kindly ask her the fee for her services over the phone. NO, sex workers do NOT take credit cards or personal checks, stupid. Go to the ATM ahead of time and take out extra for a tip. NEVER try to talk her down once you arrive. In fact, never mention the money at all. Just drop it on the altar. Girls always remember big tippers. They black list bargainers and cheap skates.
7. BE A GENTLEMAN.
Kind. Considerate. Thoughtful. Polite. Relaxed. Confident. Suave. Complimentary. Generous. Peaceful. Nurturing. Charismatic. Charming. Calm. Presumingly Handsome. Dapper. Clean Shaven. With your boxer shorts freshly pressed and pocket watch wound upon arrival. Be a gentleman. Please, for the sake of Yum, DO NOT be a douche bag.
8. NO EXPECTATIONS.
Even if you’ve “done this sort of thing before”, never make assumptions or come into the conversation with heavy expectations. Every girl is different. She may use the same lingo as one girl but offer something totally different. She may be even more smoking hot than her photos in person, or (dear lord I hope this never happens to you) an old hag that stole her sixteen year olds sexting shots to put up on her ad. She may say Tantra on the phone but never even mention it during session, or give you a regular sensual massage that took you beyond the fifteen years you sat in ashram. Expect nothing and you will come out ahead.
So be one of those John’s that leaves a smile on her face after you hang up the phone. Be the one that she rushes out to buy new underwear and incense before you arrive. Be the guy that she recommends to her girlfriends. Be that knight in shining armor, on the phone AND in session. And I bet if you started treating EVERYONE this way you will eventually be the King of the World.
xox ~Miss Scarlet
P.S. I will be releasing a full online course “The FBSM Etiquette Guidebook” through the University of Yum this spring. Stay tuned!