Infidelity Sucks: The Difference Between a One-Time Cheater and a Sociopath
Authors note: It took me over a year to find the courage to publish this blog post/rant (yes, I will be the first to admit there is an emotional charge here).
After experiencing the most heart wrenching betrayal of my life, I dove into deep study around the psychology of infidelity and sociopaths to better understand the situation I was dealing with.
With intensive therapy, soul searching and supportive talks with friends I finally pulled through the other side and found a trustworthy, loving partner who made all of this feel like ancient history.
I share my story now to help others smell the shit from the roses so you can run as fast as you can if you ever find yourself dating a sociopath.
Sure, once in a while cheating just happens.
You are drunk at a party during a business trip, things have been going south back at home with your partner, that hot chick/guy was coming onto you so strongly, and you just couldn’t resist that kiss and roll in the hay. Then when you sober up the next morning and realize that you made a HUGE mistake. You don’t want to lose your mate. Now a very important decision has to be made:
Either cover it up completely and never do it again, or come clean with your partner and ask for forgiveness.
Cheating happens. But just because you cheated, that doesn’t make you a sociopath.
If you feel remorse, realize you have broken agreements, feel honest guilt for what you have done wrong, and are willing to take ACTION to make it right… then you are just a normal human that pretty much fucked up big time by committing adultery. And it still sucks. You are a one-time cheater.
To make things right, tell the truth as soon as possible to your partner. Go to a relationship coach to help you work through it. If your relationship is worth saving, this is a great time to reassess and set new agreements.
The strongest couples that can survive these bumps in the rocky road of relationships are those who can communicate clearly, feel deep compassion for one another, and are willing to evolve and grow together. Some couples discover their love and passion for one another becomes even stronger in the end. But come on people, you don’t need to cheat in order to reach that growth spurt in your relationship. Try your best to remain in integrity.
There is “one night stand” kind of cheating (which once in a while can be salvageable), and then there is serial cheating and full blown affairs (relationship deal breaker zone). Its not just the act of infidelity that is the issue. The damage of cheating comes from the incessant lying, dirty secrets and broken trust.
Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting the same result.” An intelligent one-time cheater will recognize their mistake and do what they can to stop the behavior in the future. A sociopathic cheater will simply do it over and over and over again, even after they got caught, and feel zero empathy for their partner.
Signs and Symptoms of a Sociopathic Cheater:
Sociopathic cheaters are crazy fucks who know they are stepping out of integrity, but choose to keep doing it regardless.
They are always working on keeping their “good guy/gal” status on the up and up. Most people do not see the real deal.
Behind the scenes they project their shame, anger and guilt onto their partner in order to make you feel like shit (because they feel like shit but are unwilling to admit it).
They feel no remorse around how their partner may feel if they found out about the cheating. They cannot comprehend feeling empathy for others.
If you look closely, they are usually narcissistic. Their needs and desires always have to “come” first.
They will be sooooo good at hiding it and twisting everything around to make you believe that it is all your fault.
They are very charming, convincing and excellent pathological LIARS.
Sociopathic Cheaters will be abnormally possessive and jealous of you.
Their actions do not match up with their overly poetic promises.
They will avoid talking about how previous relationships ended, or outright lie about it (probably because they cheated).
When you confront them they will get angry and defensive and put you down, but the next day they bring presents and kiss your ass like nothing ever happened.
Let’s look deeper into this and paint a picture of how a sociopathic cheater may act out in a relationship…
They will walk around the party freely flirting with all your friends, but as you lean into a platonic conversation with an attractive person they will jump on you and call you a slut. If you try to explain your situation (to help them understand it was all innocent and you had no intention of cheating) they will call YOU a liar. Pay attention! THEY WILL CALL YOU THE LIAR.
These people will dig up as much dirt on your past as possible in order to later use it against you in an argument. If you once admitted about having that silly affair in college, even though you learned your lesson and never committed adultery again, they will pull that card on you every single time you call them out around their suspicious behavior with others. They will twist it around and hit you with your past wounds so they can gain the upper hand and avoid the real issue: THEY ARE LYING ABOUT CHEATING.
But at the same time, they keep their own history locked up in a box and rarely talk about it. In fact, they will often LIE about their past relationships, why they ended (good idea at this point to ask their ex partners for the real scoop), and will get angry at you for even inquiring. They may tell a tall tale that their childhood was easy and simple, but you later find out from family friends that this was not the case. The stories don’t match up. This is where their sociopathic behavior started, from what they learned in childhood. They are in complete denial and buried the memories. Many of these types of people were abused as children and don’t even remember it. Also keep your eye out for drug, alcohol and sex addictions.
If you do actually catch them in a lie, watch for this immediate twist: They suddenly turn it all around and pull up your dirty laundry. They will blame your suspicions on your wounds from past childhood abuse or heartbreak from a previous cheating partner and make you feel terrible about it. They will start getting suspicious of you when it is totally uncalled for. They will get angry, say the conversation is over, and literally WALK AWAY from the confrontation.
But before they run, they will do everything in their power to make you feel like shit first. Then they will show up the next day with flowers, gifts and charm you back into submission so you don’t push the issue. Pay attention to that last statement!
Sociopathic cheaters need long term therapy and psychological help to overcome these deep rooted behavior patterns. It is up to them to want to get professional help, you can’t do it for them. Even if you still love them, love is not enough for them to change.
So once you spot them, what can YOU do next?
Here is my gem for anyone who may be in an abusive relationship with a Sociopath: TRUST YOUR INTUITION!!!! Trust your GUT. Do not trust the smooth words being said, watch their ACTIONS. If they are lying and cheating on you, or projecting their shame onto you, your GUT will tell you the truth. TRUST YOURSELF and RUN.
They will say over and over again that they will change, then make it out to be your fault (or they’ll say “sorry” and offer empty promises), then they will continue breaking agreements and boundaries and will HIDE IT well. They are 100% delusional and are not capable of feeling “empathy” or understand how much they are hurting you with their lies and actions.
Just GET OUT and find the support you need to heal your heart, your psyche and rebuild your trust in life. THEN you can start looking within at what issues YOU need to face in regards to WHY you stuck around in the first place. That is where true healing, compassion and forgiveness can occur.
P.S. This program will help your heart heal quicker so you can prepare yourself for the love of your life that is waiting around the corner from you after the shitstorm settles…