Relationship Deal Breakers, Second Chances and The Case of “The Drunkard That Got Away”

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DealBreakerWhat are YOUR “Deal Breakers” in relationships?

You know, that black list of bad habits and unfortunate personality traits are zero tolerance in your book. Verbal abuse? Name your drug addiction? Ex porn star? Bad breath?

I know I have my “I will NEVER be in a relationship with you once I get one whiff of this behavior” list. Don’t me started, once I get going my mind can run on and on about what I DON’T want in a relationship. I was hurt in the past and vowed I would never deal with that bullshit from anyone ever again!

But is this zero tolerance attitude healthy for those of us on the path of personal growth and spiritual transformation?

Recently I’ve had second thoughts on my “Deal Breakers”…..

So I dated this man a while back who in many ways was a long term keeper. But there was ONE thing that made me walk away: He was an alcoholic. When I spent the night over at his place for some odd reason I would wake craving a beer for breakfast (or three)! WTF? Plus he got sloppy drunk every night which made him a shitty lover.

It was a crucial put my foot down deal breaker, so I left.

Meme- Deal Breaker - www.ScarletAmor.comI told myself “I can’t deal with alcoholics” because I had problems with the bottle myself in my far distant past. But was I making excuses and avoiding my own dirty laundry by projecting the problem onto my potential lover?

The real issue is I have a strong addictive personality and can easily be swayed back to the dark side when I am around other addicts. I never had the guts to tell him that was the reason why, or to ask him to stop drinking and face his problem. It triggered me so I chickened out and bolted instead of facing the real issue at hand!

Now I am witnessing him celebrating his one year anniversary madly in love with the woman he met immediately after me. And I’ve noticed that he’s not drunk anymore! Did he clean up? That was all I needed from him. Now he’s super desirable, but I threw away my chance because I was too caught up on my “Deal Breaker”!

A few questions for you, my fellow spiritually erotic revolutionaries…

  • What are YOUR “Deal Breakers” and WHY are you so hard core about them? (Hint: There is an old “poor me” story attached to it.)
  • What “Deal Breaker” are you most afraid of? What is the worst thing that could happen? Name your fear!
  • Are you willing to look within and deal with your own issues that are triggered by these deal breakers?
  • Have you had someone walk away from YOU when their deal breaker was actually negotiable in your eyes?
  • Where does forgiveness play out here? And second chances?

Maybe we are all being a bit too hard on ourselves when the opportunity to love, transform and heal is all around us.

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  • Honestly, the alcoholism thing is pretty much the #1, all time deal breaker for me too.

    • It’s a tricky beast. I just spoke with the Beloved I referred to in this article, and he is now 100% sober. So proud of him! But it took his fiance leaving him to make that change. I regret not speaking up at the time and giving him a chance to change. Lesson learned!

  • I can’t think of any “deal breakers” that I would have. Things like alcoholism make it difficult and may end up destroying a relationship, but if I love someone there’s nothing that is going to make me walk away from her unless that love is gradually strangled, which can happen. I’ve had people think I was a fool in the past, but when I’m in love I’m not being logical. My wife was an alcoholic when we got together, which I didn’t know until later. It almost destroyed our relationship, but before it was gone she stopped. We’ve been together 30 years now, still in love.

    • Thank you for sharing, Sean! I regret not giving my lover a chance to change. I chickened out. Bravo for hanging tough with your wife and inspiring that transformation for her. That is true SACRED relationship!

      • Like I said, people have called me a fool, but when I’m in love, I’m all in. I give it everything. I don’t know any other way.

        • You are not a fool. You are a good and noble man. xox